Existential philosophy offers a radically different perspective on who we are as individuals. It is important to grasp the concept since it has implications for individual choice and action.

• The search for identity and the nature of Self has occupied poets, theologians, philosophers, psychologists and individuals for centuries.
• Psychotherapists and psychologists attempt to define the nature of who we are, and several perspectives on Identity and Self suggest that whilst interpersonal relationships are important, the Self is in some sense fixed and definable from the selves of others.
• Culture-pattern and Interpersonal Theorists, for example, point to the interpersonal nature of individual identity and Symbolic Interactionists assume that identity arises from our own interpretations of our social intercourse with others and that we come to know who we are by seeing what others make of us (Cochrane 1983).

The Myths of Life concept is based on Existential-Phenomenological principles.

• The Existential-Phenomenological (E-P) perspective questions the assumption of fixed identity, instead, seeing Self as a focal point in relation, i.e. the-self-in-relation (to others, to itself) rather than a fixed or separate entity (Heidegger 1962, Boss 1963, Spinelli 1994).
• The Self is not a substance but a verb, a potentiality (May 1983). Thus, the Self is indefinable other than in a relational sense, i.e. a relational construct and the fixed notion of Self can be seen as a personally and culturally, sedimented belief. Sedimentation is the term used to describe how our values and beliefs are ‘sedimented’ into our psyche from birth. If you think of how sediment builds up gradually over many years in the bed of a river, so it is with how our values are gradually absorbed into our sense of self from our family, our peers and our community. Often this has happened so slowly and insiduously that we are not aware of the difference between values that have been sedimented within us and values that we have consciously chosen for ourselves.

Spinelli (2001) offers an alternative way of understanding the self and accounting for ‘unconscious’ phenomena.

• He distinguishes between individuals developing their own invented or constructed sense of self, and those who develop their sense of self from the actuality of their lived experiences. His arguments appear to complement those of Adler, that we tend to disown or dissociate from those experiences that do not fit in with the believed-in self, either now or in the future.
• Instead of looking to the past to explain one’s current sense of identity, Spinelli suggests that the past is a function of how an individual views themselves in the present or how they imagine they would like to be or avoid being in the future.

This perspective highlights the ‘construction of Self and others’ rather than conceptualising self as fixed and related to other fixed selves. Thus the individual ‘’becomes’’ through interdependent relationships i.e. we co-constitute each other. This implies choice and authentic or inauthentic modes of being. Authenticity, in Heideggerian terms, refers to a way of being which engages with its possibilities and chooses its own way of being. Thus, authenticity is not about being different from the crowd and rejecting social mores or conventions, it is about knowingly choosing who we are, against the backcloth of our temporal existence.

So how can existential philosophy be of relevance to us in the 21st century and more particularly to choosing how we can live our lives meaningfully and enjoyably?

In order to answer this question, it is useful to examine a number of existential themes, for example, freedom, choice, anxiety, responsibility, authenticity and ultimate concerns. These are words used in our everyday language but have different existential meanings. So how can we grasp their existential meaning when the original writings are often so complex and therefore inaccessible?

In the book The Myths of Life & The Choices We Have, these concepts are operationalised in a straightforward and accessible manner through the language of Myths. Through practical activities in the book, levelled at our individual everyday choices, we can explore our options, the implications of taking different paths and the anxiety that results from choosing.

For many of us, the concept of Myths has mystical connotations and is understood in an allegorical, legendary or fabled manner. I offer Myths differently, as unquestioned assumptions that impinge on every aspect of our decision-making. Myths are therefore pervasive, fictitious, invented, make-believe or untrue.

Within our social and cultural world we are bombarded with expectations and pressures of how to dress, what to eat, what career to pursue or how to relate to other people. We are constantly told what to expect as we enter different life stages as if each of us were no more than members of a cloned group. We can, of course, choose how to respond to those expectations. We can conform, withdraw or act as individuals or institutions to bring about social change. However, those unquestioned assumptions are so pervasive that we may never stand back from their stronghold and consider our choices beyond a narrowly defined set of options. Our culture and socialisation inhibits us exploring the vast array of available options. As Rousseau said, ‘Man is born free but is everywhere in chains’.

Thus, the existential meanings of choice, freedom, anxiety, responsibility and authenticity require interpretation at a level which makes sense in our everyday lives. These existential concepts are explored fully in The Myths of Life & The Choices We Have and outlined in a clear and applied manner under Myths. Here are the eight Myths I discuss in this book and the existential themes they suggest.

• Identity – You should be someone other than the person you want to be
• Selfishness – You are selfish if you put your needs before those of others
• Group – It is better to be part of a group than to be an individual
• Commitment – You cannot change certain things in your life once you have committed to them
• Certainty – You can reach a point whereby you can be certain for all times in the rightness of your decisions
• Morality – You should follow a moral code decreed by others
• Dishonesty – It is preferable to be discrete and embroider the truth rather than honest
• Change – You are fixed and consistent and earlier changes negate future change

Each of these Myths, and others, impinge on our everyday lives and limit our choices. Each of them merit further explanation and discussion in their own right, with some being contentious and possibly provoking strong reactions in you.

The two central themes underlying these Myths are Freedom and Choice. By engaging with our freedom and realising our choices, anxiety and responsibility arise. Faced with the ultimate concern of our death, our limited time on this earth means we have to make choices and we never know the rightness of those choices – especially if we accept that no moral code exists in its ultimate form.

A central theme in existential philosophy is that there is no objective reality into which we are born and which exists separate from ourselves (Kierkegaard 1954, Nietzsche 1983). We therefore lull ourselves into a belief that we are not free and therefore unable to create who we want to be – our social and cultural Myths dictate the reality of our lives.

• Sartre (1948) says we act in Bad Faith in an attempt to fool ourselves that we are not free. We attempt to build numerous structures through roles, norms, cultures and beliefs to define our sense of reality - to give the illusion that a blueprint exists into which we fit and are part of.
• As Van Deurzen-Smith says (1997, p 46): ‘It is the basic skill of fooling oneself, of rocking oneself to sleep, of contenting oneself with illusions; the basic human accomplishment of self-deception; bad faith or mauvaise foi’.

So how can existential philosophy be of relevance to us in how we choose to live our lives?

What are our choices and how can we live with the anxiety of challenging the status quo or questioning the rightness of our decisions? We live in the social world alongside others and social rules enable us to realise our choices. The issue is not one of rejecting all that is expected of us – the issue is that we DO have a choice. The question is whether we challenge the unquestioned assumptions, expand our choices and live with the anxiety that meaningful living entails.

The validity of our choices is often questioned when we become disillusioned with our lives, despite achieving many of the things we dreamed of. We long to have it all but find it increasingly difficult to juggle our jobs, our children, our homes and our sanity! We believe that if only a balance could be struck between the different areas of our lives, we could relax. Invariably, this balance is never achieved and we become observers in our own life, wishing for the day when it would all improve.

We are constantly bombarded with choices about how to live and how to be happy. But what do we want to do with our lives? Society’s Myths often result in us choosing from a limited array of available options – it is assumed that ‘having it all but in balance’ is the way forward. Maybe it’s not. Maybe the parts that make up the balance have never been questioned. Maybe we have never taken time out of our busy lives to examine the full range of options in front of us? We choose from a narrow range of choices on offer but never stop to think ‘outside the square’ and create the life we want.

As a psychotherapist, I passionately believe that we are each the best judge of what is right for us. By examining the role of Myths in our lives, we can expand our options, reconnect with our choices and judge the rightness of them. This book, informed by existential principles, offers an opportunity to develop a vision of what your ideal life would be like. This provides a yardstick against which all future decisions can be based - the question, ‘Does this contribute to me realising my vision?’ will keep you on track.

However, accepting anxiety as an inevitable part of committing to our choices is an existential reality. Rollo May (1975:21) says ‘Commitment is the healthiest when it is not without doubt, but in spite of doubt. To believe fully and at the same time to have doubts is not at all a contradiction: it presupposes a greater respect for truth, an awareness that truth always goes beyond anything that can be said or done at any given moment’.

I challenge you to develop a life of freedom and choice rather than one of duty and obligation!

But only if YOU want to…